The Life and Times of Arnold Judas Rimmer
by baka-basher
Summary: Lister sneaks into Rimmer's memories to understand him better, and find out why he's such a smeg head. Now he can't get out, and Rimmer is not amused. Not the slightest. Contains slash, language, child abuse and all that good stuff.


This is my first Red Dwarf fanfic, and the first fanfiction I've done in years! I hope you'll like it. Please, critique, and complement, and share with friends.

Chapter summery- In which Lister thinks this is a bad idea, and Rimmer gets angry.

Warnings- references to balls, spittle, and slashy-ness hints. (Le Gasp!)

Rating- Pg13 because of balls.

* * *

"Are yeh sure this'll work, Hol?

Holly's grin was about as comforting as having the lights turned off while locked in a room with a serial killer. Lister shifted in his seat nervously careful not to touch any of the many wires attached to his head, his arms, and the AR machine. Man, he had, had some bad ideas in his life, (like the one combining strip poker, his gran's best hooch, and the local golf course) but this...When Rimmer found out he'd-

"Don't worry dude, it's real simple, innit! You wanna see Rimmer's memories right? Well he's a hologram, right? So all his memories are on file with the rest of him, right? So all we needed to do is connect the AR machine to my backup data files of him and presto!"

Saying Lister was surprised was like saying that King George III was only 'slightly' mad. He was astonished, dumbfounded, and a trifle suspicious. He eyeballed the senile computer.

"That actually made sense, Hol."

"Yes well, I have been known to be useful on the occasion. I do have an IQ of 6,000,000 yah know. Anyway, best of luck, and, oh try not get your curry stains too close to the wires, okay mate? Curry conducts electricity. "

Lister closed his eyes, prepared himself, and counted down from 5 in his head.

5...4...3...2...1...-1...-2...

Lister opened his eyes again. Hol stared back at him sheepishly.

"Sorry Dave, forgot where I put the Rimmer files. Need ta' do a search, won't take a mo'."

There was an awkward silence while Holly ran his search. Lister kept his cool and tried to persuade himself that this was a good idea. It may be sneaky and immoral to go poking around through Rimmer's childhood for answers but smeg it WAS a good idea. Rimmer would be furious, but he'd come around...eventually. It's not like he could stay mad forever.

Who was he kidding? Lister's justification was as convincing as a 6-foot man by the name of Butch Butchy Butchmen with a beard down to his ankles, and elephantiasis of the balls was as a woman. Rimmer could stay mad at anything forever. The man had a smegging list of things he was pissed about, which included the breaking of his camphor Wood case, the time when Lister threw one of his dirty socks at Rimmer's eye effectively blinding him for a week, and numerous other things reaching back the first grade where Pete White stole his lunch.

"Right, everything's cool. It got misplaced under 'Temp files'. Good thing I found it soon, eh??" Holly grinned goofily, Lister just groaned. Such-a- smegging-bad-idea. Still, might as well get it over with, or else it would bug him for the rest of his life. Afterwards he'd go get a nice curry, and larger, then strum his guitar.

"Right then, ta' Dave"

There was a loud snap crackle pop noise, which would put crispy crunch to shame. The Pop sound traveled across the ship, startling both a cat that was doing some serious preening, and an android watching androids get caught up in androidy situations, which they responded to in dramatic androidy ways. Finally the pop settled in the storage room where a hologram was supposed to be doing inventory. Course, Kryten did all the inventory now, which was probably why Rimmer was instead having a rather nice nap about Lister and conquering Europe, slaying Belgiums as he went.

It would not be a rather nice dream when he woke up due to what he was dreaming about. (The Lister bit, not the killing Belgiums bit) However until that point, it would be a scrummy dream. A smegging fantastic dream. Quite possibly the best dream dreamt by a hologram with the imagination of a peanut.

However this dream was rudely interrupted, by the noise. This made Rimmer very cross until of course he realized what he had been dreaming. Then he was of course, just very terrified and he hid behind a box for a couple minutes of gibbering and rocking back and forth. He was jolted out of it when Kryten called for him on the PSA.

"What do you mean 'Lister's in my memories' you stupid ugly gimboid!??!"

"As I said sir, it appears that Lister sir has projected his mind into a backup file of your memories."

"WHAT!?"

"..."

The android stepped back a couple of steps, away from the red faced hologram.

Cat did the same, as did the scutters who had come in to enjoy the show. The Cat yowled and covered his ears as Rimmer's voice hit a pitch and volume normally reserved for fire alarms, whistles, and pop stars.

"Watch the tone, BUD! I am a cat, NOT A DOG. If you start that again, I'll give you something to really scream about."

"Oh smeg off you thoroughly useless sponge," snapped Rimmer jabbing his finger at the Cat. The Cat growled and flicked him off, "SWIVEL ON IT." Before stomped away to do very cat-like things such as polishing nails, and perming leg hairs.

After Cat left the room Rimmer twirled around with such force that Kryten was surprised he didn't just twirl into the wall and grabbed Kryten's shoulders, his face dark with anger. The scutters left quickly, before things got even uglier. Holly bobbled up and down nervously.

"You... get... him out...right...NOW," he hissed between clenched teeth.

"Sir, I'm afraid," started the android shocked and scared, "that, this is impossible with out killing Lister, or seriously damaging his mind."

"Oh who cares, snarled Rimmer into Krten's face, "he wanders around in coma-like state anyway, and there certainly won't be any change in his intelligence as he obviously has the mental capacity, and the logical functions of a piece of fairy cake. I want that tuff of louse infected rectal public hair out of my memories and I want it NOW. If you don't, I shall take an axe, and recreate your already misshapen head into new and GROTESQUE SHAPES!!"

The hands digging into Kryten's shoulders trembled, then digged deep, as if they were searching for treasure under Kryten's plastic exterior.

"It's just not possible," whimpered Kryten, "may I remind you of Space Corp. Directive #81 which clearly states-

"OH BUGGER THE SMEGGING SPACE CORP. DIRECTIVES!! Rimmer roared over come with rage, covering Kryten's face in spittle. He wrenched his fingernails from Kryten's shoulders and stomped away, cursing everything from Lister to God as he went. Kryten stood there, dazzled, and idly wondered about the damage to his body, and how to go about fixing it. There were crashes coming from down the hallway from the AR room.

"Damn him, DAMN THAT STUPID GOIT," thought Rimmer to himself.

When Lister opened his eyes again he was standing in front of Rimmer's house. It was a large white poshy sort of house, the kind that he would have never gone near in real life. The house, number 2130 (which was also the year the Space Corp. was founded) was surrounded by other equally large, equally, as pretty white houses.

This was IO, the closest of Jupiter's moons. The settlement of IO began in 21010 under the direction of NASA. (before the IO war, in which England took hold of the Ioian settlement supposedly as pay back for the American Revolution) The moon was infamously conservative, snobby, and Seventh Day Hoppists roamed its surface like Jehovah's Witnesses.

"Smegging 'ell," muttered Lister to himself. He straightened his jacket in a failed attempt to look less like a massive complete slob. What was he supposed to do?

"Hello Mrs. Rimmah', me name is Dave Lister, an' I'm yeh least favorite son's friend from the future. Actually I'm not really his friend because he hates me most of teh time, and I secretly have a massive thing on him. That's why I'm here, snooping around his memories, looking for the reason he's such a little smeg head. Yeah, that'll work."

Lister stepped up to the front door. He reached to touch doorknob, when he did a row of multicolored dots popped up from inside the door. (Think the Doc icons on Macs) Lister jumped back, "What the smegging 'ell!?" The button's were unreal looking, shiny, as if made of colored metal, they all bounced slightly, in time with each other. Only about ten in all, in order of size, there were 5 yellow buttons and 4 yellow ones. There was only one green button. Title over the buttons read, 'Book marked Event of the Life of Arnold Judas Rimmer'.

Bewildered, Lister pushed a yellow button, and text appeared over it, 'Rimmer Family Vacation.' The button began to bounce higher. Lister pushed it again, and then with one large bounce, all the button's disappeared. The front door swung open, and Lister was sucked in into darkness.

TBC.


End file.
